Public enemy number one: my story of growing up gay in Poland
In this blog, our Project Manager, Rob, shares his story of growing up gay in Poland. At the close of Pride month, Rob reminds us of the prejudice and discrimination that still exists in many parts of the world and the importance of acceptance and fighting intolerance.
Please note: there are references to homophobic language throughout.
MY CHILDHOOD: TRYING TO FIT IN
I grew up in the 1990s and 2000s in a small town in Poland. Everybody knew each other, although it never felt like a community. I would always try to fit in, but deep down, I knew I never truly belonged there. I was too different for what was a highly conservative, catholic, far-right heteronormative society.
I was a very quirky kid from the start. It was easier to form friendships with girls; I loved singing and dancing to early 2000s pop music, I wore my sister’s heels around the house, I put my mom’s make-up on when no one was around, and I played with dolls rather than toy cars.
It was clear to me that I was gay. Though I didn’t necessarily understand that term, know any gay people, or have any gay role models, I knew I was different from my peers. That made me feel alienated. The sexuality of my peers was never really discussed because it was ‘normal’. I saw it every day with my own eyes: watching my parents, the people around me, people in the media, and my peers. Being gay was not that common.
“I was told that being gay was something to be ashamed of.”
I was told that being gay was something to be ashamed of. The priest in the local church used to say it was something evil that we all must fight against, whilst the politicians on TV portrayed LGBTQ+ people as a danger to ‘traditional Polish family values.’ Being gay and having same-sex relations was considered immoral, and it was commonplace for ‘homos’ to be compared to paedophiles that should be put into a mental institution.
Despite being exposed to such an obscure portrayal of gay people, I still somehow loved myself. At the same time, it was clear that the world did not love me back. I needed to protect myself and my family from being tarnished in such a negative light. And so, I pretended. I denied that I was gay to anyone that asked. I faked having girlfriends so my peers would think I was just like them. I told myself that one day I would end up with a wife and children and live a ‘normal’ life.
Despite all my efforts trying to act ‘straight’ and more ‘masculine’, I failed miserably and was seen as ‘too feminine’ by my peers. Coming from a highly religious and homophobic town, this was far from acceptable. My entire existence wasn’t acceptable to them. And so, I inevitably and rapidly became a target of shaming, name-calling and violence.
“Middle school and high school were particularly difficult. There wasn’t a day
when I felt safe or free to be my true self”
Middle school and high school were particularly difficult. There wasn’t a day when I felt safe or free to be my true self. I lived in constant fear of being attacked. Walking down the school corridors or local roads caused feelings of anxiety. I had to be ever-vigilant, always expecting to see a bully or come under attack around each corner. I was no stranger to being called ‘faggot’, ‘homo’, ‘sissy’ or ‘a joke’. With time, I got used to being punched, pushed, kicked and sexually harassed. Sadly, I expected it. I was excluded from most social activities, and on the rare occasion I participated, it wasn’t a particularly pleasant experience. There were many times that I feared for my life.
Most evenings, I would come home, go to my room, finish my homework and stare at the wall. I wouldn’t share the awful truth of my day with my family. I didn’t want them to worry and was afraid of being shunned and rejected in my one safe place, my home. I wasn’t able to speak about my sexuality, so it was better not to speak up about my problems. I had no one to turn to about the dark thoughts in my mind, so I continued to live in the shadow, afraid of being ridiculed, discriminated against and physically attacked. I was alone in that very personal aspect of my life. Totally alone. Day after day.
THE TURNING POINT: MOVING TO THE UK
I was fed up with the increasingly hostile environment around me, and I knew something had to change. After deliberating, I decided I had no choice but to escape. When I turned 18, I saw the opportunity. It was time for me to apply to university. I was lucky enough to be supported by my parents financially, and the decision was quick. I applied to universities abroad. The United Kingdom seemed the obvious choice as I could speak a bit of English, and to my knowledge, gay people were mostly tolerated and accepted. At that point, that was all I needed to persuade me.
Though I had no friends or family in the UK, it still seemed like a better choice than staying in Poland and being exposed to constant harassment. So that I could feel safe, I had to leave the town I grew up in, move away from my loved ones to a foreign country and start a new life. All because I was denied acceptance and safety in my own country.
“I was in a completely different place, physically and mentally. From that moment, I was openly gay.”
My first impression after coming to the UK was that the vast majority of the population was kind and not afraid of expressing themselves. Suddenly, I was in a completely different place, physically and mentally. A place where no one knew me or my past. This was the time to start living my authentic life and break through the conservative, catholic bubble I was trapped in my whole life.
From that moment, I was openly gay. From that moment, I was true to myself. But only here in the UK. Coming out to loved ones in Poland took me a while longer.
“In the UK, I have not been verbally abused or physically assaulted.
I have been welcomed, accepted and celebrated.”
Even now, I am amazed that in the last seven years living in the UK, I have not been verbally abused with homophobic slurs, nor have I been physically assaulted. In fact, I have been welcomed, accepted and celebrated. I was encouraged to be myself not only by new friends but also by my university and the companies I worked for. I felt safe enough to openly say, ‘I’m gay’. I was not afraid of walking down the street holding my partner’s hand. I could confidently talk to strangers about my sexuality without the fear of being discriminated against or shunned. Whilst this may seem ordinary for most people, for me, it changed everything. I felt reborn. I had a second chance at life.
THE SITUATION IN POLAND: A REGRESSION OF RIGHTS
Despite what might seem a ‘happy ending’ for me, sadly, I still can’t imagine living the way I do in the UK back in Poland. A country, my home country, where new so-called ‘LGBTQ+ free zones’ legislation is in full effect.
Since 2020, as much as the third of the country has been covered by the new law meaning no person can talk about ‘LGBTQ+ ideology’, and freedom to exist for these communities is prohibited. The only choices you have are to stay quiet, migrate, or fight, making you a target. In 2021, some regions withdrew the anti-LGBT resolution only because of the EU funding threats.
“The governing party and the catholic church are aiming to destroy
the LGBTQ+ community and individuals within it.”
A real regression is taking place in front of our eyes, and legally recognised rights across the EU are now being challenged and overturned. The governing party and the catholic church in Poland are trying to limit the self-expression and freedom of my community simply because they are afraid of the impact the ‘Western world’ is having on younger generations. They are in full force, aiming to destroy the LGBTQ+ community and individuals within it.
FINAL REFLECTION: HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
Though my own story ended up being quite positive, I know it’s not the case for many others. I was lucky with the choices I made and the people I met. I will always acknowledge and remain grateful for that.
“I hope that people from the LGBTQ+ community in Poland will
one day have a chance for a better, safer future.”
Rainbow in Flames. Saviour Square, Warsaw, Poland).
I hope that people from the LGBTQ+ community in Poland and many other repressed countries will one day have a chance for a better, safer future just like I did. I hope that one day these countries will get to where England is right now and for countries across the globe to be more progressive and advance LGBTQ+ rights.
And with this blog coming to an end, I take a step back to appreciate everything I have here and shed a tear over what I can’t have in my beloved Poland.
